Thursday, 20 July 2006

• Currently Listening: Violator

  disconnection

  i've been through so much yet at the same time i've made no progress whatsoever, i'm exactly where i was a few years ago, but now with a lot more wounds and a lot less time to heal. the burning sense of urgency and pressure to do something i felt so long ago just kept building up.
  lately it became too much to handle and so i replaced it with this question that keeps resonating in my mind:
  
  why deal with the world when you can make it disappear?
  
  it seems that everyone i once cared for took off in a race that left me behind in the dust, kicking around the shards of broken dreams, taking breaks only to intoxicate myself into a state of indifference towards the whole "life" situation. i've spent the last 8 months trying to pull together whatever shattered pieces i could, using whatever addiction i could distract myself with as the glue to hold all the pieces together. the arrests and mental hospital stays definitely didn't do a damn thing to help improve the situation any, either. and now, catching up with the life that was once so close is impossible, and the thought of trying is too overwhelming to consider.
  
  things were just supposed to be so radically different than they ended up.
  once upon a time i had dreams, goals, and the ambition to attain them. but those all left me behind, too.
  
  and yes, i know all of the above seems hopeless and pessimistic.
  yet i can't fathom a reason to give a damn.
  
  a little apathy can go a long way...
  

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